For nearly eight months now, since the beginning of November when I first started treating my ME/CFS, I've been steadily "improving." At least that's what I tell myself. And that's what I tell others when they ask me how I'm doing.
But in the back of my mind, I keep wondering, if I've really been improving since November, shouldn't I be healthy by now? Or at least noticeably closer to healthy than I was in November? When I look back at my daily health log from November and December, I don't see a drastic difference. I see the about the number of crash days versus non-crash days.
So I am starting to wonder if my sense of improvement might be illusory. After all, I've always been an optimist, so it wouldn't be out of character for me to unconsciously confuse hope with actual improvement. I notice I tend to make excuses for my crashes. "Oh, this one's just a cold virus," I say, or "this one's just a start-up reaction to my new treatment." At some point, I'm going to run out of excuses.
On the other hand, it's possible that I am improving but that the progress is so slow as to be almost imperceptible - like the process of aging, only in reverse. I suppose I'll just have to wait longer to find out. I just wish I could see a year or two into the future. At least that way I could prepare myself for what's to come - good or bad - and plan accordingly. But I guess that's part of life with ME/CFS: getting comfortable with uncertainty.