In a weird way, I'm looking forward to this summer and the anniversary of my onset of ME/CFS. Let me explain.
I deal with the loss of quality of life fairly well on most days. I believe evolution has equipped humans with a remarkable ability to adjust, mentally and emotionally, to new circumstances. I think this innate ability is so hardwired into our brains that it sometimes plays with our sense of time. Have you ever said, "I can't believe that X event only occurred last year? It seems like ages!"
After the first four or five months of my illness, it became apparent that I was "in this for the long haul." So, at most times, I don't even think about what life used to be like. In some ways, it feels as if I've always dealt with this problem...as if it's just another fact of life. But one thing keeps interrupting the flow: the anniversaries of last year's big events.
December arrives, and I think: "Gee, last December, I was able to catch a flight without crashing"
Then January comes, and I think: "Last January, I was on a ski trip with my buddies"
Then: "Last April, I was sipping Margaritas in Cabo"
Then: "Last May, I didn't have to worry about whether I'd feel well enough to attend the annual family picnic"
And so on...
These are the thoughts that bring a little sadness into an otherwise pleasant day. So, while I don't look forward to knowing that I've been sick for an entire year (and I know that's mere child's play to some of you), I want to move past these regular reminders of what I was able to do last year.
It's not that I don't have hopes for the Equilibrant--I do--but it's unreasonable to expect an instant and full recovery. (Dr. C's words, not mine.) If it works and re-balances my immune system, it will take time. And who knows what level of functionality it might restore me to? Dare I dream of 100%?
Until then, it's best to look forward to the future--even if it IS a future with ME/CFS.